Friday Funbag for all

No, not those kind of funbags. That’s on a different site. But there is no reason to try to reinvent the wheel here … welcome to the inaugural Funbag, a mailbag of sorts where I get to kindly respond to the comments and e-mails from my fellow degenerates. I figure most of you will be involved in some way … if there are 10 people reading this and I use six or seven comments from past columns, then I’d say this is a pretty reader-friendly idea. I’m here for the people.

Without further ado, hope this can waste some time on a soft Friday at the office.

From Beth: “In my first newspaper job, I lost my dignity covering FFA Day (Future Farmers of America) at Jay County High School. They drove their tractors to school.”
DM: Yeah, you’re definitely on to something here. I made the drive to Jay County H.S. once myself, which really leads to the bigger picture: If you’re not from the country, then driving through the country will harden you. Plain and simple. You start to appreciate things like gas stations, well-marked roads that don’t change names three times in a 20 mile stretch, and being generally lost with much less sense of direction. Make one wrong turn and you end up in places you never knew existed … which is frustrating because you’ve never heard of the place you’re supposed to be going either.

From BCrone: “Nice read, but I have to disagree (Shelvin) Mack having quicker hands than TJ (Thomas Jackson). I have played against both and I definitely think Mack will get there. I don’t think he’s there yet!”
DM: BCrone? As in Brandon Crone? Thanks for reading … now I’m putting out an official APB for you. I’m not on the message board so I’m not sure where you are playing these days ... has “The Fun Car” gone international already? Still playing across the pond?
I can’t really sit here and disagree with you, well, because I haven’t played against Mack and TJ. I think I could take ‘em though, but that’s another story. Someone forward this to Mr. Crone … we can do an interview, something like “Brandon Crone’s Top European Party Cities.” Now that would be a good read. Either way, I love former ButDog hoopers reading this brainwashing column. It’s fantastic.

From Jay, before the NFL playoffs started: “Good NFL thoughts. In the Colts case, one could employ the “Good teams find a way to win” argument, but I think that you are on the money … the Colts will be back to their familiar tradition of being overrated and choking in the playoffs. That is all I want for Christmas.”
DM: Merry Christmas, Jay. Sorry it’s a little late, but no less deserved. It’s not often I’m “on the money” about much, but the Colts essentially kept pace with themselves, so to speak. But first off, let me say that Colts fans around here need to just have a seat and take a deep breath. Remember the ‘90s? Were most of you “fans” then? You’ve made the playoffs for freaking 10 straight years. You won a Super Bowl. You have (soon had) a coach that people bow down to. You just got a brand new stadium. You have jerseys that all of you seem to love. You have Peyton. And you were stupid enough to believe that the Colts were much better than they actually were this season. In fact, it’s eerily similar to some Bears fans that drank the Kool-Aid and were disappointed when the team overachieved and fought for a playoff spot. I’m thankful, and a bit humbly proud, that I drank beer instead of Kook-Aid.

From Joe: “The Colts got screwed by the two worst rules in the NFL. First of all, why the hell do the Colts have to travel to .500 San Diego. Then they get screwed by the overtime policy of the NFL that puts more weight on the flip of a coin than the play of a team.”
DM: My previous point exactly. No, Joe, the Colts actually got screwed because they had an incredibly soft run defense and an offensive line that couldn’t create open running lanes to save their backside. It’s honestly not any more complicated than that.

From Josh: “I think it’s pretty clear that any success (Brad) Stevens has had is the direct result of his excellent DePauw education.”
DM: I’ve never heard a more objective statement in my life. You DePauw grads are quite the confident bunch, if I do say so. And I have to ask, what do you think when you see your former college buddy on the sidelines of a Top 25 team?
Listen, I like Stevens. He is a big reason why this team starting three froshies is 13-1 at the moment. But I will say, in confidence to my free season ticket partner who I sit with at the games, the offensive rotations and general decision-making is getting a little out of hand. It’s hard to be too frustrated after the team won its 15^th straight league game last night and beat Wright State by 16, but there are some glaring things that need to stop sooner rather than later. Here they are:

- Avery Jukes must stop shooting 3’s, and he must stop getting thrown the ball in the post just so it can hit his hands and turn into a loose ball.

- Grant Leiendecker, he’s probably a great guy, but his minutes are far from justified. If he is supposed to be a shooter off the bench, then 26 percent from behind the arc just isn’t going to cut it.

- The turnovers and bad shots on the offensive end need to be heavily reduced. What’s frustrating is that earlier in the year, a few players were quotes as saying that Stevens just tells them to keep shooting if they are open – if they don’t fall, then they will soon. I’m paraphrasing obviously, but that’s just a little concerning.

From Greg: “Apparently your terrible Michigan ring tone you had for years was free. You need to spend money on some of that stuff we used to eat back in the day. What’s that called again?”

DM: Listen Notre Dame boy, yes it was free. And I’m not sure what that stuff was called … fruit roll-ups maybe?

From Anonymous: “An iPod changed my life. Get one. You heard it here first. Falcons/Colts Super Bowl next year. The Mike Shanahan-led Colts will gallop through the postseason, only to clash with league MVP Matt Ryan – the first quarterback to start all 16 games and beef less than five interceptions. Do you ever feel guilty for living on my social security?”
DM: Oh, where to start. First off, do you not have a name? I guess not, so we’ll just call you Johnny Prognosticator. A guy who found the true meaning of an iPod. A guy who apparently was under a rock about a year ago when Jim Caldwell was named the next coach of your beloved Horse. A guy who apparently missed Matt Ryan throwing two interceptions against one of the worst pass defenses in the league last week. A guy who apparently didn’t get the memo about the Colts being old and slow on offense, and too small and soft on defense. A guy who just asked me if I felt guilty for losing my job and taking money from a Democratic government. And this whole time I just assumed this comment came from a guy. I don’t think a lady could be that big of a dope.

My ring tone says I'm cool

Let me preface this by first saying that it’s pretty clear how far from perfect I am when it comes to managing money. I’m working on it.

That said, for whatever reason, there are certain things that I simply refuse to spend money on. Most of them are stupid things (maybe less than five bucks) but it’s more just the concept that whatever the thing might be, I don’t really need it. But what’s important is what ends up making this list – it’s different for every person, and I’d think most people have some form of this rationality in your brain.

Just go with me here, this will all hopefully make sense in a minute. For example, one of the first things on my personal “I’m Not Spending Money On This List” is actually not a cheap item – it’s an iPod. I might be the one dude under 30 that doesn’t have one. It’s just something I’ve lived without, well, forever, so it doesn’t bother me. Why? Not worth the bare minimum of spending 200 bucks off the bat. I mostly listen to talk radio … I could go on with answers (excuses), but that’s not much fun.

Then there are small things on the list, fairly inconsequential when it comes down to it. Ever since I was the last one of my friends, and acquaintances, to get a cell phone when I was a sophomore in college, I have absolutely refused to pay money for ring tones. Come on, it’s just stupid. It’s a phone, and it rings, and you answer it. For 99 cents, I would rather do a lot of things – such as visit the Wendy’s dollar menu. Or just be happy with using whatever is on the phone when you get it, and being a dollar heavier.

Here’s the whole point: my buddy out in Arizona has always bought ring tones, and I’ve never really told him that I think it’s dumb. That all changed yesterday when he called me from his work phone, and then proceeded to play the classic bagpipes version of “Amazing Grace” that blows up every time I call him. Easily the best ring tone I have ever heard, hands down, and it frankly made me feel damn proud that it was mine. I’ve loved that song, and the bagpipes, since I was a wee lad. And it all culminated at 25 years old with my own bagpipe ring tone.

What I’m saying is that we all need to be flexible. I hated ring tones, and now a phone call from me sets off the best damn one in the land. So things on the “I’m Not Spending Money On This List” are capable of coming and going, but it’s rare.

It’s kind of like your own personal list of rules for betting/picking NFL playoff games: You have to remain flexible, literally all the way up until kickoff. I didn’t follow this rule last week and it cost me. This often happens when you make picks early in the week, like I’m about to below, and I’m just glad to have that excuse before I actually decide. Last week it cost me when I inexplicably bet on the Tavaris Jackson-led Vikings, and also right before kickoff of the Colts game when I realized they weren’t very good, on the road, and they would probably lose – even though I had already bet on them. What a terrible gut feeling. Should have remained flexible, should have remained flexible.

FUN PICKS FROM THE FUN CAR: NFL DIVISIONAL PLAYOFFS
(Danny Sheridan’s odds; USAToday.com 1/7; Home team in caps)

TITANS (-3) over Ravens (Saturday, 4:30 p.m. ET)
Let’s just say that this would be the time to bet against a rookie QB (Joe Flacco) who is going on the road for the second straight week in his first playoff season. And Flacco’s Ravens are playing a team that’s, well, not only two steps up from Miami, but also better than them. The second reason I’m going to take the Titans would be the fact that I’ve got quite the soft spot for Jeff Fisher. It’s something that has developed over time, much like an appreciation for good hops and barley. If Norv Turner is Natural Light, then Jeff Fisher is, say, Stella or Oberon. When you have the choice, and have the extra buck and a half to spend on a pint, no question you’re asking for option No. 2. Hard to believe Fisher has been in the league for 37 years already. Perhaps it’s more around 15 years with the same franchise … but somehow he is still just 38 years old. Right?

Cardinals (+9.5) over PANTHERS (Saturday, 8:15 p.m. ET)
Arizona is not winning this game. Just to set that straight. But I just see this one being decided more in the four to seven point range. And to give credit where credit is due, I’m going to refer back to Bill Simmons’ Playoff Manifesto (his playoff betting rules, for those of you who don’t know or care). His deal is when a playoff line is 10 or more points, you take the points and just roll with it. I’m going to move forward with that theory here. Thanks Bill.

In other news, the Cardinals have stunk when traveling to the East Coast this season. Oh-and-five, to be exact:
L 24-17 @ Washington
L 56-35 @ NY Jets
L 27-23 @ Carolina
L 48-20 @ Philadelphia
L 47-7 @ New England

GIANTS (-4.5) over Eagles (Sunday, 1 p.m. ET)
The Eagles are getting a lot of love the past few weeks, and I can’t really figure out why. Feel free to try to explain it to me if you like. They were dead in the water, needed a combination over about nine different losses by other teams just to make the playoffs, and then beat a Minnesota team who started probably the second worst QB in the league. The lack of a meaningful running game in short-yardage situations will cost Philly in this game, unlike at Minnesota. The Giants will score enough points, maybe even a defensive TD, in a 20-13 game. I know Andy Reid’s stupidity didn’t used to cost his team until the conference title game, but this year it’s a week earlier.

Chargers (+6) over STEELERS (Sunday, 4:45 p.m. ET)
This is a make-up bet if I’ve ever seen one. I feel bad about not taking San Diego last week, I really do. I knew better than that. So, in the hopes of redemption, I’ll take the points in spite of an alarmingly decisive coaching advantage for the Steelers. That’s an understatement when Norv Turner is on the sidelines. Norv ... AKA, Natural Light. Still, though, I see a low scoring game where the points are too valuable to lay six. Come on, Norv, just don’t screw it up for me. I know that’s asking a lot.

We're back, after these messages

So can we all just take a deep breath, please? All together now … good. And I’ve never even done yoga before.

The circus road show through Christmas, New Year’s and The Phantom Week In Between have officially been left behind – most likely with a smile on your face.

That is, of course, unless you’re a Bears fan. Or a Colts fan. Or a Lions fan, bless your heart. In any of those cases, I bet you still wish they were running “A Christmas Story” marathon on TBS. In the case of the Lions fan, I bet you just wish you had the Red Rider BB gun at an arm’s length. But we’ll get to the NFL a little later.

I’d rather get to the positive stuff first and get that out of the way. It’s pretty difficult to make any jokes about the Butler hoops team right now, who will now simply be referred to as the more commonly known (at least in my world) ButDogs.

The ButDogs, during my two-week hiatus from writing due to such a busy schedule, made fairly quick work of then-No. 12 (and somewhat overrated) Xavier on the road. They followed that up with a fairly nice win over UAB at Hinkle, seen by the maybe the biggest weeknight crowd I’ve seen at the old barn. Following Saturday night’s snooze-fest rally at Valpo, the ButDogs are now 10-1 and should bump into both polls when they are released tomorrow.

I still maintain my mancrush on frosh favorite Gordon Hayward, even while the opposition has stuck its best defender on the kid the past three or four games. “Gordo” (Spanish translation: Fat man. I say we roll with this.) has been able to hit the boards and play solid D while his buddy Shelvin Mack displays the textbook form on his jumper. But most important, they are finding ways to get Matt Howard more involved in the offense … and if the ball consistently works through those three, then I’m cool with that. Problem is, there are still too many lineup changes for this point of the season. Brad Stevens has my trust, but if there’s one thing that kind of makes me scratch my head, it’s some of the odd five-somes he puts on the floor at times.

While we’re here on this topic, there’s one trend with the ButDogs that is a little troublesome. It’s the turnovers – consistently making dumb decisions on the offensive end. I can liken it to the outgoing single guy who is great in social situations, meeting women, and his friends aren’t really afraid to set him up. Yet he continues to make little stupid mistakes along the way (not on purpose, usually without even knowing), with a girl who just might be take-home-to-mom quality in the long run. While the ButDogs have been winning so far, I get this eerie feeling that these stupid mistakes are going to be what does them in this March. Sorta like the myth of Mike Green last season.

For the time being, heading into conference play, I don’t see anyone in the Horizon league who can compete with them consistently. I say they lose two games in the conference, probably both on the road. That sounds a little familiar to last season, and a few other seasons, doesn’t it? But it’s different this time around, with this group, and I know I’m not the only one who feels that way. Group hug.

Shoot the college bowl season in the head

Thank you. It’s almost over, I promise. Tonight features a Texas team who got royally screwed by the BCS (and its own conference tiebreaker) against an Ohio St. team who really just kinda sucks in the Fiesta Bowl. Enjoy that one. And don’t forget to set your DVR on Tuesday night for the Too-Late-For-Bad-Teams Bowl when Ball St. squares off against Tulsa.

For someone like me, who pretty much has a girlfriend named College Football for five months a year, I feel like I shouldn’t ever have to wonder when the National Title game actually is. It’s like I have to set a reminder on my cell phone just because it’s about three months after the season ends. I tend to lose interest at that point, but that’s why God invented gambling. I’m not dead set on this yet, but I’m pretty sure I’ll be taking Oklahoma and the three points coming along with it.

The game is Thursday night, by the way, and I’m really looking forward to Fox’s continued BCS coverage using NFL personalities with remote memories of college glory days. Just think about it when you see this lineup of talking heads: Eddie George, Barry Switzer, Jimmy Johnson. When I heard that ESPN got the next contract for the BCS, it was the very first time I was happy about hearing ESPN covering anything.

NFL Playoffs: The good, bad, and ugly

In this past weekend’s Wild Card Round, here’s what happened in case you missed it: Arizona realized they could play run defense for a little bit and beat the Falcons; the Colts realized that most of their last nine games were a fallacy and their defense stinks when they lost to the Chargers; the Baltimore defense made a fool of Chad Pennington and then they made fun of Flipper at the postgame press conference; and Tavaris Jackson is unfortunately the Vikings’ starting QB, so they faded down the stretch against Philly.

Since I’ll be talking about the upcoming round of Division Championship games later this week, instead I’ll continue with a few rather meaningless observations from the Wild Card round. Watching the Eagles-Vikings game, I couldn’t help but want to put up a side-by-side of a walrus next to Andy Reid. Strikingly similar.

But while I was searching the internet for a photo of Reid, I came across this gem of Eagles receiver Hank Baskett’s girlfriend – Girl Next Door Kendra Wilkinson. It’s not that the photo itself is a gem, rather the fact that it’s concrete proof that professional athletes will always have an edge on the rest of us. Huge revelation, but there you have it. Hank freakin’ Baskett.

And, not to kick the Colts and their fans while they’re down, but I had a redeeming moment on Saturday night. I was sitting at my place with a couple guys watching the game, having a few Coors Lights while losing my bets on the Horse AND the over/under, and that’s when we decided to just head to the local Britton Tavern. Choice place, by the way (insert sarcastic joke here).

We got there with two minutes left in regulation, and I got to see the complete meltdown – from the tying field goal, the looming uneasy feeling about overtime, and then the money shot – when Darren Sproles did his best impersonation of a Smart car bobbing and weaving through traffic, into the end zone. Bummer, dude. Myself and one rather large fellow in an Antonio Gates jersey were the only two guys in the place with a grin. I felt safe thanks to him.

Lastly, if there is anyone that actually reads this damn thing, my plan is to now write every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Hopefully something fresh around lunch time. Thanks for reading, feel free to comment or send me an e-mail at thefuncarblog@yahoo.com. Perhaps a mailbag on Friday, who knows. Cheers.